Saturday, December 09, 2017

Random Ramblings


I got my Christmas bonus and 13th month pay last week and very thankful. I already gave a portion to my family and also savings. There's still some left but I'm afraid of spending it because I feel like I could end up regretting it. I don't have that much disposable income. I wish I have but the truth is I don't so I need to be wise with spending. I'm always paranoid with finances. So afraid of going broke. . I just need to maximize what I have and I'm good at that. I still have some extra like when I feel like riding the P2P bus to work which is more expensive (but so comfortable) . But for anything else I'm always cautious. One thing that made me sad about cutting down on expenses is that I rarely go to the movies anymore. I love watching in the cinema but the prices are just not practical to me anymore. 

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I've been researching of finding ways to earn extra money or even a good investment. But it's hard to find something that I can do or not too risky. Sometimes I think of risking again and start a small business but the pain of our failed family business still haunts me to this day. I hope in 2018 an opportunity arises or that I will be brave enough to take a risk.

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I've been vulnerable to insecurity lately and one major trigger is Facebook. So I'm detaching myself to that as much as possible. I hate feeling envious especially to the people around my age. It's a bad feeling and it does not help me grow and instead just makes me weaker. I don't want to be that kind of loser in life. 

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I've once dreamed of becoming a college professor but that's probably not going to happen anymore. Could not afford master's degree and I'm not even sure I still have that A student inside of me. Plus I don't feel like I have what it takes to hone young minds. I have no cred so to speak. So with no master's degree and no cred, I have no business of becoming a professor.

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It's the year end countdown season and it makes me sad that I'm not as excited as I used to be. Maybe it's the age. I will still be listing year end radio countdowns on Dec. 31 which I have been doing since I was 10 years old but this is probably the last time I will be doing it. I like even numbers so I want to end this tradition at exactly 20 years. Something about turning 30 this year that made me reconsider some things in my life which includes that year end tradition. Can I really let go of something that has been part of my life for so long? Maybe. I'm no longer that interested in following daily and weekly music charts aside from Billboard which I'm losing a little interest as well as streaming era makes the chart stagnant. Billboard Hot 100 Philippines launched this year and it was underwhelming for me. But maybe because in general the whole pop music scene is not connecting to me that much anymore. I do think I'll forever be a chart geek but maybe not as passionate as I used to be, I need to move on at some point.

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One disappointment I had this year is that when our company finally decided to have HMO, majority of the employees rejected it so it's now in limbo and probably not happening anymore. Hopefully not and the company is just looking for better HMO provider that would please the majority but I'm afraid it's not gonna happen anymore. I'm still shocked with how much my other co-workers didn't warm up to it. Hopefully they just want a better plan and not really dislike the idea of having one. But it was truly something I really felt so sad about. I thought it was something  a lot of us wanted t but I was shocked that it was not the case.

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On the positive side, I 'm thankful my family, especially my parents, had generally good health this year. No major health scares and visits to the hospital like in previous years. Whenever I feel so down or frustrated with my life, I remind myself that  one of my big fears in life (major family heath scare) is not happening so I should be grateful.

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Ten years ago I was an intern for Journal Group of Publications. I mostly did proof reading job but for their Christmas supplement I was able to write two articles and both were published on People's Journal! I was so thrilled to see my byline on a national newspaper. Ten years later, print media is almost dead and it really makes me sad. I also miss the young me who dreamed of becoming a journalist. I did become a writer professionally but it's not journalism. My current job duties no longer involves writing so my writing skills (along with my grammar) is rusty now. 

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I sometimes wish I'm typical. Regular. Ordinary. Predictable. Normal. But I'm not. I wish it was in a "cool, edgy" way but no. I'm not typical in the most pathetic way I could imagine. It sucks that I feel this way about myself. I swear this line of thinking is something I've been trying to avoid or get rid of permanently but I don't know I feel like there are constant reminders that prevent me from doing so.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Here it goes

So tonight I was again reminded why my life is this way. The truth is I know this for a very long time already but I try to avoid thinking about it so I shove all the resentments at the back of my head hoping it will just go away if I ignore it. But you see no matter what you do to avoid facing the truth, life will find a way to slap you the reality of your life.  A small incident could trigger the deepest pain you have been keeping to yourself. Even if it is essentially a minor issue it could trigger a deep pain because a series of small pinches could lead to a bigger hole than you would realize.
A few days ago I saw a photo of my current self, it was sort of a stolen shot so what I saw was me in my unguarded moment. And that guy I saw is really just a shadow of what he used to be 10 years ago. I look physically dreadful, balding and overweight with really ugly skin. I don't want to self loathe but what I saw is harsh wake up call of what I have become. Here I saw the physical manifestation of  my ugly life. I thought I already accepted my fate but no.
So to this person who I can never tell this personally because I will succumb to guilt, THANK YOU for reminding me how I feel pathetic I feel. I've been trying my best to suppress it. I've been trying my best not to blame you of what I have become because things happen because I allowed it but seriously you emotional blackmail over the years have left a lasting damage that I don't know if it can fully recover. There's so much resentment in my heart I've been wishing to go away because I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY . I swear I don't but you are not making it easy. I hope and pray that you will realize because I can never tell it personally, I don't have the guts and I'm just afraid it will just backfire and once again I suffer

Monday, September 04, 2017

Almost 30

Note: This is originally posted on my Facebook

When I turned 29 last year all I can think about is turning 30. And now it's almost here. As I near the end of my 20s there’s so much in my mind so let me share some random thoughts:
1. I’m time conscious in general but sometimes hindi mo rin talaga marerealize how time passes by until a thing or an event will remind you so. Simple stuff like na pa-obsolete na ang CD, DVD and digicam or yung mga stores sa malls na kinalakihan mo eh nag sara na. And of course mortality. May neighbor kami who passed away a few weeks ago. Hindi naman kami close pero sanay kasi ako since bata pa na nakikita ko sya sa tindahan nila nanonood ng TV lalo na sa gabi so the first night na nadaanan ko yung store nila and saw someone else watching TV, it made me sad because she’s really gone and it will never be the same again.
2. In connection to that, sometimes you won’t realize that the window of opportunity is closing because you keep on second guessing yourself thinking “next time na lang” or “someday I will” kaso lumipas na panahon wala ka naman ginagawa. One of my simple dreams before eh ma-publish sa Young Blood section ng PDI but I never tried submitting until a few weeks ago. I attempted when I was a student but I couldn't finish anything because most of the time I don’t feel confident na worthy yung sinusulat ko hanggang sa hindi na ako nag attempt pa and tuluyan na nawalan sa isipan ko until a few weeks ago kasi na realize ko na 29 years old nga pala cut off. So finally I submitted for the first and last time. Realistically I don’t think I will be chosen kasi rushed yun because I simply wanted to at least try while I’m still qualified and let's be honest that's not the foundation of a well-written and worth-reading piece. May regret ako kasi dapat noon ko pa rin talaga sinusubukan until mapili but oh well lesson learned. Seize an opportunity while you still possibly can and don’t let the fear of failure stop you from taking a chance.
3. I have a love/hate thing with social media. I’m not talking about the political divide that is very present here (that’s another issue) but more on a personal level. I love how it can connect you to people in such an accessible way. It’s good to still be a witness sa happenings sa buhay nila but downside is sometimes hindi mo rin talaga maiwasan hindi i-compare ang buhay mo sa buhay nila. I know I should not let insecurity get me but there are times I just can’t help but feel envious and say to myself “Ay buti pa sila”. I hate feeling that way kaya I try to lessen my time browsing the feed or dwell too much with certain updates. I know it's human nature but it's a feeling that you should not let take over your mindset.
4. It’s a sad reality that over the years you could grew apart with some people who were close to you at one point in your life. Walang away, walang issue pero kapag nagkita kayo nakakailang na. Worst feeling yung magkikita kayo sa jeep or a gathering and you try to strike a conversation beyond the initial kamustahan pero it’s a struggle to keep it going kasi hindi na talaga kayo click. On the flip side, I have friends na kahit once a year lang kayo nagkikita or even years apart eh parang walang nagbago. You are so comfortable with each other as if kahapon lang kayo huli nagkita.
5. Nostalgia is a nice feeling. Na-appreciate mo yung mga bagay na dati you just take for granted. But it’s a double edged sword kasi nostalgia can also blind you from appreciating the present. May mentality din kasi tayo na “mas mabuti pa dati” pero minsan hindi naman yun totally totoo kasi may tendency tayo na naaalala lang natin yung positive highlight ng past kaya naro-romanticize natin yun. If you are struggling at present, the past glory of course would look better. But struggling is necessary to achieve glory. Looking back should never keep you from moving forward.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Yes, i Can't Shut Up About It!

In less than 2 months, I will turn THIRTY YEARS OLD. Honestly last year all I can think about is turning 30 this year. Just see the previous posts I had.   I tried my best to contain my insecurities but dear Lord I can't help but feel like a loser. Sometimes I think I'm okay then some minor thing would pop up out of nowhere and trigger these emotions yet again. I'm not gonna l that where I am right now is truly my fault. I played it safe. So afraid to make a  move. So afraid to take a risk. Too lazy. No one to blame but myself.
But reaching this milestone age should give  me the push to do better in life. Stop whining. Do something. Take a risk. Stop fearing the world HASSLE. Just stop

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Reflect



I seriously need time to reflect. Turning 30 this year and I'm freaking out. I'm nowhere near my life goals. I'm constantly worried about how my life in general. Nine years since I graduated from college and one thing I really missed is my idealism. I’ve felt this beaten long ago but I refused to acknowledge it because choosing to do so could be the start of something that I will regret in the long run. It’s a feeling that I’ve been trying to shrug off as just a phase but I just can’t deny it anymore. Nine years ago, I had a game plan on how I will live my life and at present I’m nowhere near what was my dream before. “Was’ because right now I don’t feel that it’s my dream anymore. I don’t feel the same drive and enthusiasm that I used to have. I won’t deny that at one point my life I regretted some of my past decisions that were fueled by passion. I wish I was more practical and realistic back then. Maybe if I were that kind of person I wouldn’t feel this way anymore. However if I look back during those times and if I ask myself did I regret having those memories? I can honestly say that the answer is no. I had the time of my life and I learned so many lessons. Truth be told, maybe it is part of the reason why I feel this way right now. I’ve set myself up for disappointment. Maybe it’s not yet late, maybe I could still be that optimistic fresh graduate that I used to be. But right now I’m struggling to hold on what little drive that I still have inside

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

I'm good!

Thank you the concerned person who commented on my last blog entry. I really appreciate it. I didn't think anyone is still reading this blog actually since I don't post often anymore and if I do, it's just full of angsT ;) But to give an update on my last entry, I'm doing good now. It turns out I had thick phlegm issues causing me to have those episodes but the doctor just prescribed me anti biotics and all is well. Than k God!

Anyway, last month this blog turned 12! It's been so long :D.  I started this blog when  I was 17 and now I will turn 30 in September! Time flies! Sometimes I still can't believe I'm already this old, I still feel a little young haha but hey growing old is a privilege and I thank God for that!

Monday, February 06, 2017

Breathe

For the second day in a row, I woke up suddenly gasping for air. It was scary. I felt suffocated. It lasted only a few seconds but it was scary. I will have  a medical check up later. I dread it so much. I know I need it but I fear that my already limited life will once again take a setback. And of course this reminded me how I hate that we don't have HMO in the company I work with. I'm afraid of getting sick because of that. I'm not protected. Still I'm afraid of leaving my job because I can honestly say that despite the lack of good benefits I love my job and I'm great at it. And it's a job that's a fit for my interest. But I hate that it isn't practical. I hate that I have regrets that I pursued a career that's not financially rewarding. I hate that I wish I took a different path. I feel so unlucky in life. Oh I know other people have it worst but right now I just feel so down. I can't catch a break.. I want to stop feeling this way. I really do. Oh Lord please guide me today. I hope my worst fears will not be realized, So worried. So stressed. So miserable.